Physicals
by iamtheillusion
Summary: Jamie Kirk has managed to avoid any and all doctor's checks since she escaped from Tarsus IV. But what happens when Bones forces her into her mandatory academy physical? fem!kirk, academy days, oneshot.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there! So this is my first ever one shot. I'm still playing around with the academy ideas with fem!kirk, but I'm thinking I'm gonna do the arranged marriage fic before it...**

**But I really liked this idea, so I decided to post it. Let me know what you think :) **

"Jamie, you're due for your physical. I scheduled you for this afternoon today with me."

I smile nonchalantly, hiding my sensitivity on the subject, and scoop up another spoonful of my cereal. "Can't. Gotta study for ethics."

"You can spare an hour," he says, and pours himself another thermos of coffee. The bags under his eyes are heavy and dark—I wonder what kind of shift he had last night. "Just be there."

"I really can't, Bones," I say again, offhandedly.

He's got me nervous now. I can't go to that medical office. I can't.

My memories spin back to the times of darkness and pain on Tarsus IV, and I fight to suppress a shiver.

But then I remember that he can't make me do anything; I don't have to go.

No one can make me do anything anymore.

Bones notices that he's lost me, huffs, and leaves.

I breathe out and try to forget.

* * *

Two days later, he corners me as I'm hanging my newly pressed uniform. I'm facing the closet as he speaks from behind me.

"Physical. Today. 3 PM. You're already overdue."

I turn violently to face him. I don't have the patience for this today. "I _can't_, Bones, okay? I'm busy."

"With what."

I look him in the eyes defiantly as I try desperately to think of an excuse. "I'm—on my period."

His eyes narrow. "And this makes you unable to come in for a physical."

"Yes."

We face each other for a few frozen moments. I'm not going. And he is sure I am.

"What is your problem with physicals?" He speaks low, like he's challenging me.

I grit my teeth and stare back. I will not allow myself to go back there mentally. I will not think. I will not. My posture is stick straight as I spit at him.

"Leave me alone."

He leaves, but not before muttering under his breath, "You gotta do it sometime, you infant."

* * *

Two days after the 'closet incident', Bones comes back to the dorm with a large bag draped over his shoulder that I've never seen before.

I'm relaxed against the headboard of my bed with my ethics textbook, wrapped in blankets. I exhale and smile. "You building a bomb or something?"

"Nope." He drops the bag on the floor behind him before pulling out the chair from under my desk and gesturing to me. "Come on."

I tense up. "What?"

"We're doing your physical."

Imperceptibly, I claw at my sheets under the blankets, rooting myself here. "What are you talking about."

"I've tried to get you to the clinic three times, this is it. You gotta do this. And if I have to do it here, then we'll do it here. I'll bring the results in tomorrow."

"No."

"If you don't get a physical this semester you can't keep studying here. That's the school policy."

"You can't perform physicals in people's _dorm rooms_."

"Yes, I can." He shows me the official doctor's signature on a PADD. "Now, come on."

My breath catches in my throat. Everything feels stifled. "I can't."

He sighs, rolling his eyes, "And why the hell not, Queen Kirk?"

"Because." I bite my tongue. He can't know. He can't. That would make me weak and _I am not weak_.

"Jamie," he makes a move toward my bed and my fists snap up in self-defense. Mostly out of habit.

He laughs under his breath. He doesn't understand. "You gonna punch me?"

"I would." My voice comes out weak and flimsy and I hate it.

"What's your problem?"

"I just can't, alright?"

"You can't."

"I can't."

He leans on the chair he has set out in front of him. "We're gonna do this."

"No, we're not."

Images of injections flash in my mind, reminding me of the drugs they pushed into our systems on Tarsus. Drugs that made you see your worst fears. Drugs that made you writhe in pain from the inside.

I've avoided this for so long, I can't let it happen now. Not again.

"I'm can give you a sedative."

"No, Bones, _listen _to me—"

"Jamie, I got to!" He's exasperated now, and it hurts. "Come on,"

"Please, Bones, don't be like this—" Tears threaten to well up and I hate that reaction because it shows him that I'm weak. My teeth are barred down. "I just can't!"

"Why?"

"I can't—I can't tell you—"

"Well, I'm not gonna sit here and fight with you if you feel like being difficult, dammit." He's injecting serum into the hypo and I feel like I might vomit. This is triggering me like nothing has in a long, long time.

He steps over to the bed and I'm sniveling like a child. Pleading. Fighting. Bartering. Anything.

"Just—relax. This'll only last 15-20 minutes tops. And then it'll wear off." He's holding the hypo in his hand, sharp and dangerous and quick.

"Stop it, Bones, I mean it."

He grasps my head gently and tips it to the side, pushing the hair aside to reveal my neck. I push against him but he's having none of it.

"I'm sorry, Jamie girl."

And then everything slows.

My head falls back against the backboard of the bed as the anesthetic begins to take over my systems. "B—Bones."

"What."

"...'m scared," was the only thing I pushed out.

My arms feel a hundred pounds heavier.

"Why're you scared, darlin?" he asks. He shines bright lights in my eyes and scans me with various medical tools.

"'m scared of...Kodos. Don't want 'm to hurt me again." My words are slurred. I feel drunker than drunk. Or high. My rational thoughts can't decide which, and my thoughts slip away just as I think them.

He stops, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why.

My face is suddenly in his hands and he's so close.

"Jamie, Jamie, what are you talking about. Kodos? From Tarsus IV?"

My eyes keep sticking together when I try to look at him. "B—ones. Could you lemme sleep and you keep watch for 'em? I gotta—I gotta rest."

"Watch for who? What—were you on Tarsus?"

His tone is so urgent. It upsets me. "We'll get off Tarsus soon," I pat his shoulder. "We'll keep each other alive. Don't panic...makes it worse."

I slip down onto the pillow and shut my eyes. Everything feels so slow, I feel so strange.

But Bones won't let anything bad happen.

He'd keep a good watch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Um, so, this waaaas going to be a one shot, but now I guess it's a two-shot? Haha, I was requested by a few people to continue, so here's a bit more of a conclusion.**

**-Georgia**

* * *

When I wake up, I find Bones slumped in his chair, head down. He looks as if he's been shot.

"You're an asshole," I mumble.

His eyes snap up to mine with desperation. "Jamie—Jamie, I'm sorry, I didn't know—"

"Woah, what's your problem? Calm down. So you had to knock me out for the physical. Yeah, it's a douche move, but it's not the _worst _thing you could've done."

I watch his brow crease and I start to feel panic rising in my gut.

"You don't remember what you told me, do you?"

I shake my head silently. Waiting for the sky to fall in.

Hoping to god that I _did not tell him _about what I think this is about.

"Did you go to therapy after you got off Tarsus?"

_Goddammit._

I had told him. My head starts to rush and I start to feel like laughing and crying at the same time; maybe I'm psychotic. I've never told anyone. No one's ever known.

I don't like it, not one bit. Now he's got my weak point, and that in itself is setting off alarms all over my mind.

"Jamie, answer me. Did you go to therapy—"

I bat the question away like it's an insect trying to sting me. "I'm not gonna talk about it."

"Jamie—"

"I'm not gonna talk about it, alright?! I _don't _talk about it. Ever."

His jaw clenches. "You can't do that. You can't just think that you'll be fine if you bottle it all up. It comes out in other ways that you don't wanna see."

"You think I don't know that?"

"I think you know as well as anybody and that's why you should talk to somebody."

My bottom lip starts to quiver. This is too much all at once. Shaking my head, I look away from him; I can't stand for him to see me like this. "No one was supposed to find out."

He stays quiet.

My eyes start to water.

"Bones, please—please just go, I don't want you to—you can't see me like—"

But I break down before I finish.

And to my surprise, he rushes to me, pulling me into his side.

But I don't welcome him.

"Please, leave, please," I ask, pushing away but knowing somehow what his answer will be.

"Just let it out," he says very quietly.

"I'm acting like a child, I'm _weak_."

"You're acting like someone who's been through a hell of a lot of trauma and not told a soul."

I don't reply to that. Instead, I accept his presence against my better judgment. I let him hold me, because I haven't been held in a long, long time.

I know my sobs are ugly and angry, but I don't have the clarity to stop because all I can see now is the faces of the children who didn't make it.

And feeling my guilt drown me because I'm still alive.

"It's okay to feel like this," he says quietly from above me, distracting me from my thoughts. "It's okay to cry for them."

"I couldn't save them all—I couldn't—"

"You tried though. I know you gave it your all and more, because that's how you do things."

"But it wasn't _enough_."

"It was enough to the ones who made it because of you."

I think of Ryla and Eric and Bri, people I managed to keep alive. People who I never saw again.

But it wasn't enough.

It was never enough on Tarsus.

"You don't forget, Bones," I say, after a while. "That's why I never sleep all night. That's why I scream. You never forget the faces."

"You don't have to forget them. But you do have to move forward. That's what they'd want you to do."

I nod into his chest. I feel like I have nothing left to give.

He tilts us back so that we're lying on my bed, and he cocoons himself around my still shivering frame.

Maybe I wouldn't forget.

But maybe I could move on.

Someday.


End file.
